Confessions of a Love Addict by Jinni James

What haunts me the most, is how its ended now. It’s hard for me to touch on everything right now, but basically, we made a mess of our relationship and completely fell apart, and both of us are to blame, in hindsight. It felt like I had completely lost the person I knew, and for months I tried to find him. He became more and more erratic when he was using this way, something I later came to know myself. He was reluctant to tell me he’d moved onto the needle… but I knew, deep down, I knew. This turned into isolation, shutting me out and his new best friend was the one shooting him up in his arm. He once was my best friend, every day spent together, no secrets. It was around this time last year that things truly started being difficult. By now you’re probably needing some perspective. Will it only be when I am finally capable of letting him free, that he returns? And will it ever get any easier? Or, will I never see or speak to him again. But last night, I turned to him and said “hug me”, and he looked at me with warmth and an element of care in his eyes and reached out to me. Usually, my dreams would consist of me sprinting after him, with his demeanour towards me cold, distant removed. Last night it occurred to me for the first time that I didn’t want him to come back, ever, and then I dreamt about him and for the first time since September he responded to me. So deeply stuck in denial when I would convince myself otherwise.

I have to remind myself it could’ve been worse, but it got pretty bad. I fell in love with someone who was addicted to the substance so irrevocably that I would ruin my life for him and for it.

It was what our relationship was based on – and we couldn’t help it, we were addicts. Not that it was him that was the problem. Some days, I honestly think I wish I never met him.

Confessions of a Love Addict by Jinni James